Did you ever have one of those times in your life when you felt like nothing was working? Everything you tried to do went awry?
Couldn’t find a job? Money ran out? Relationships were falling apart? You felt like everyone was mad at you? And on top of all that you were in the middle of the biggest crisis of faith of your life?
I have been through this once before, but this time it feels worse. This times stakes are higher, there is more to loose. I felt guilty about walking away from everything the first time. This time there was no place to go.
Let me start at the beginning. The first time my world crumbled, I was 24. I couldn’t find a job, my boyfriend left me for someone else. I wasn’t doing well in school, and I was frustrated to say the least.
I had dropped out, let a very depressed woman move in with me, because I thought I was helping. I believe the famous quote is “what sweet hell is this?”
Anyway my only way out was to move in with family in another state. The Grandparents sent me back to school, sent me to church, and screened all my friends to make sure I wasn’t going in with the wrong crowd again.
Why do I say this time is worse? There are no more grandparents. Somehow I need to do my own rescuing.
Some how in there I received a calling to do something more, but what? As much as learned and gained going to church with the grandparents, there was still something there that gave me the willies. Maybe I didn’t truly understand. After all why am I here again? Was something missing? Did I do something wrong? Is this just karma?
Or is this really about forgiveness? The ability and the willingness to really forgive ourselves, and others is rare. Can we really forgive? Can we really learn to love our neighbor as ourselves as Jesus taught?
Maybe in answering those questions is really where true wisdom begins. Yes?
How do you find your way through the darkness? I mean really you feel so lonely sometimes. Or is “darkest before the dawn” really just BS. Sometimes I just want to scream. Then there is that calling again. The calling to be more of what I am.
There are questions that keep swirling in my mind. How did it get this bad? What will happen next? Is it a question of faith? If there really is a devil, is he here in my house?
This little writing is about finding faith. Sometimes, I think when things are darkest, is exactly that point when we find our faith and strength to push forward. Some times when things are the absolute worst do we learn who we really are.
